Back to Singapore

I just came back yesterday, and JH straight away brought me to Funan and Sim Lim just to get nothing in the end. Then came to his place and cleaned up his room since his parents are coming and going to stay there for a night.

I am getting my coinscience back after the 2-months idling and having fun somewhere else outside Singapore. I have this perception now, that Singapore is a bad place to work, school ok, but not for working. Still the aura of stuckness in small spot haunts me.

Today, I went for a wedding, Indonesian wedding with western style. No comment for the event, since I have to rush to accompany my 'future' in laws (only heavens know whether they'll be my in laws or not). I have to face flood, rain, high heels, miscommunication gap, sleepy compannions and runny nose at the same time.

Actually I really want to mingle around and have a chat with everyone else at the wedding. My world has been very small since I am in working life, it's time to spread your wings and refresh your friendships. But the other consideration makes me prioritized my future investment for my future relationship. Choices, it's been difficult to choose.

Life is really sucks in here, I just want to cry out and go back to Indonesia (although today is just the 2nd day I am here - the aura kills me) . I hope that I don't need to think what others think about me. Why do parents have to show up how good their children are to the relatives. It does burden me. Thank God, my brother has contribute something.

Competition squeeze me : salary, position, bonus and company brand name from your fellow dear friends.

Now, I realize that I always can't accept that everyone else is better than me. I tried to accept it with the wrong way, so now I can't handle anymore.

I felt lonely here, I want to be loved, to be protected. And if anyone don't mind, I want to be in need for who I am and what I am doing.

Last time, I used to cure my loneliness by buying more clothes, stylish shoes, eating in expensive restaurants, watching more movies than ever, and trying to spend time (my precious weekend time) with my love one (but people do dissapoint you, they don't have time for you or you have mismatch schedule to spend time together). My life became emptier than ever. And now I am stopping the habit (still on going process) and try to save more money (although I still can't see the point of saving money instead of enjoying what you have earned). Still on going to find the cure of those feelings.

I used to sleep with my watch on my wrist and my handphone next to my pillow at silent mode (so that nobody will wake up hearing the ring tone, except me of course - the victim!). I never late on waking up in the morning for 1.5 years on my prebious job. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and look at my watch, whether it's the time to wake up (almost every night!). I used to grab/hold my hp wherever I go, every 5 minutes I will grab my purse to feel whether any vibration from my hp.

But I have no jobs now, and feel embarassed about it, but try to hide the feeling anyway. At first, I proud with myself to make such decission, but now I felt trap with my decission, and think that I can do nothing.

I do not know why such feelings attacked my conscience and kept telling me that I am not good at anything. Once, I asked few of my 'close' friends about my strengths, and they found useless things in me. The more I think on my strengths, the more I realized my weaknesses. Is it because of my understanding about Christianity mold my thinking? That I am nothing, and only through Christ I will be strengthened? Yes, I felt that I am nothing. Do I get the strength from Christ? Or I am not surrenderred enough to Him?

My bf always avoid the 'wedding' discussion, he's not ready, that's what he says. My parents and aunties told me to find other guys (their choices, a rich man kid whom they know). Me? I am stuck here.

Recently, my bf has a high chance to have a new job in London, me? I have small chance that he's marrying me and bring me there with him. I am a pessimist. I just can't understand why he's not ready. Not ready means he has doubt on me (although he said that he doubt on himself), whether I am 'the one'. If you are the one, won't he be 100% sure?

I still don't know what kind of jobs that I will like and my parents like as well (means the pay). I just hope, i can become a housewife. Isn't it a job as well? I suggested to my parents to become their maid, since both our maids are quitting. One is because she's going back to her village and raise her kids, the other one just simply too lazy to do anything (she's a modern maid, always uses earphone from her handphone to listen to Indonesian brand new pop songs and sings out loud while she's mopping/ironing clothes).

My mom tested me, she brought me to wet market and carried a lot of things for her, including all the trip around and round the wet and disgusting market. Through the fish smelly aisle, chicken aisle (you can see how they strip off the chicken's fur alive and boiled them - I can hear they are crying seriously!), frogs aisle (how they killed frogs, chop the heads, cut their nails and stripped off the skin and they still can move! ), some more there are turtles, but I haven't seen them kill it (my mom can't cook turtle yet).

How's life so unfair to me, how come this hopeless small personality girl who hardly believe in herself to confince herself about life can give advice to other people about life (harder life issues). A girl who squeek for help only for unfair working nature, need to advice others about their dead and life issues (hmm....not that bad). I can't belive it myself. Sometimes I need to pretend I know the answer, sometimes just be quiet and listen without any suggestions, trying to be on their shoes. It did not help, I know, but what can I do? I just pray once again, the wisdom beyond human's understanding came from God alone. I am just a pipe or a loudspeaker from God. Hopefully I said the correct things.

I just hope that nobody will read this post of mine, either they're lazy because the post is too long or my english is too bad for them to understand what I mean. This my thoughts from my deepest darkest depressed hour of my feelings so far. Thank you!

After this I will go back to old me. Hopefully there will be no more other posts like this.